Saturday, September 14, 2013

Week 35 - Just Some Observations

I gained a bit of weight this week.  It's funny because last week I was talking all about carbohydrates, and this week I think I gained weight because I ate too many. My insomnia was really bad this week and I think it's diet-related too.  My measurements stayed the same though.  In another two weeks I will have to do yet another photo and a bodyfat test to boot.  Let's see what results come back from that.  I have a weight goal for the end of the month, which I think is pretty attainable even with this week's gain.

Babble babble babble.  

It was very nice to return to dance class this week and have my teacher and classmates all remark on how I have lost weight since the last class.  I didn't think I made any noticeable changes at all this summer, but it's clear I'm doing something right.  One change I noticed is that I feel so much more in control of my body.  I have command over my muscles in a way I never had before.  Never underestimate the power of a good weight training program!

I didn't mention this in last week's post, but I didn't do the Spartan Race last week after all.  I knew I wasn't ready to tackle it.  I signed up on impulse without realizing that when it comes to obstacle runs, Spartan is the most difficult race there is.  Even super-fit people have trouble with that one.  The good news is a friend of mine at the barn read my FB post about how I wasn't doing the race.  She has done the Warrior Dash before even though she had to struggle through some of the obstacles.  She also shares my distaste for running.  She said she would be happy to do the Warrior Dash or Dirty Girl run with me in the future.  She said we should get a team of Oxbow riders together and do the run to raise funds for the kids' program.  I like that idea. I have looked at the Warrior Dash obstacles online.  They all look doable, although some look more doable than others. 

I am not just looking to do this with my Oxbow friends, just so you know.  If any of my out-of-town buddies and besties want to make a visit to NY for the weekend and are looking for some activities beyond shopping and eating, this might be a fun way to bond.  Just sayin'.  If you're a NY-based, non-rider friend, I'm extending the invitation to you too! 

I have my performance next weekend for the Harrison Players anniversary concert.  That means this week is "Hell Week".  I will have no time to cook, so I will be surviving on takeout.  It's going to be tough to eat really well this week.

One of my obsessive thoughts this week has been about my body transformation so far.  In a post I made earlier this year, I mused on what I expected from this program regarding transformation.  I wondered what I could achieve.  Most particularly, I wondered if I would lose my assets if I lost the amount of bodyfat I hoped to lose.

I can happily report that isn't happening - or maybe not so happily report it isn't happening.  Even though my chest measurements are smaller than they were at the beginning of the year, I still have a hefty amount of boobage.  When I made a discovery of some old bras at the back of my underwear drawer last week, I saw some of them were from a time when I was a smaller size (or thought I was a smaller size).  I tried them on hoping they might fit now. Some of my current size bras are starting to gap right now, so maybe a smaller size will be just what I need.  The smaller bras still don't fit.

Even though my body isn't as small as I would like it to be, it is becoming smaller and my boobs are starting to look out of proportion.  If I wear a baggy top, my upper body still looks large because the top will drape over my chest and stand away from my body.  If I wear a tight top, my boobs jut out awkwardly making me look like an overweight porn star.

It's clear I won't lose my boobs on this program even if I lose all 30+ pounds.  I think I can't lose that much weight or I'll be so top-heavy that I'll fall over.  I have put some thought into having  a reduction in the past.  It's a tough choice to make because I'm not so big as to cause major pain or back problems, so insurance wouldn't like cover what would end up being a completely aesthetic procedure, but it might be worth the money.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

A Windfall - Or Just a "How To Be Dumb" Moment?

I don't know how long I went without ever being able to close my underwear drawer.  I suppose that I'm usually in such a hurry to put my laundry away that once I have my underwear in there, I cease to be concerned about whether or not I can close the drawer.

I was putting my laundry away yesterday and for the first time in I don't know how long, I started to feel irritated that I couldn't close the drawer.  I kept refolding and rearranging my stuff hoping to make that overstuffed drawer close.  It just wasn't happening.  The drawer was just too full.  I tried to comfort myself.  You can never have too much underwear, right?  You have to have a steady supply of clean underwear in case you're in an accident.

Here was the problem.  For someone who had so much underwear that the drawer was overstuffed and couldn't be closed, I really didn't have that much underwear at all.  I always seem to be losing my lingerie.  I make semi-frequent trips to Main Hoisery and to the Maidenform Outlet at Olde Lafayette Village.  I make some semi-serious stock-ups when I go.  Despite this, my supply was always dwindling and I'm always going out to buy more underwear.  Somehow I never had enough.

I always blamed the laundry room in my building.  The washing machine must have been eating my underwear.  That really wasn't likely because I don't have sock-eating washers and dryers in the laundry room.  If I lose a sock it's likely that I just left one behind or else it ended up tangled in the sheets.  Maybe I accidentally left a bra or two behind in the dryer and it ended up going home with the next person's load.  Maybe some perv was stealing it for his own pleasure.  Who knew?  I just knew I have to make those frequent lingerie shopping trips.

So yesterday, putting away my meager supply of underwear and becoming increasingly frustrated that I couldn't close the drawer, I had a revelation.

"Is it possible that maybe something is trapped behind the drawer?" I asked myself.  I figured I had nothing to lose by checking.  I pulled the drawer out of the dresser.

Well, lo and behold!  At the back of the dresser, behind where the drawer was, I saw an enormous supply of bras and panties.  Those cute panties I bought at Maidenform on my last outing there that I thought were gone forever?  Recovered!  That super-flattering, well fitting, comfortable bra that had gone for a walk?  It was squashed up back there too.  It's almost embarrassing to admit what I found back there.  I found bras and panties from Victoria's Secret and I haven't shopped at Victoria's Secret in years (I feel the quality went way down from where it was 20 years ago).   There were bras there I had purchased when I was still in denial about my size. (I tried them on just in case my diet program was working miracles.  Unfortunately, they still don't fit.)  It was a complete windfall.   I don't have to go underwear shopping for quite some time.

Despite my happiness, I feel really stupid.  How could I go all of this time wondering why my underwear kept disappearing and neglecting a stuck drawer and not even considering the connection between the two?  At least I can say I learned my lesson and will pay more attention to these things in the future.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Week 34 - Always Feeling Conflicted

Yes I know there was no Week 33 post.  I was spending the lovely long weekend at a Bed & Breakfast, eating all kinds of bad food, doing crazy amounts of riding, checking out the Renaissance Faire, and spending time with good friends that I don't nearly spend enough time with. My blogs were not really a priority.

I ate too much all weekend, but I recovered nicely.  I admit I resorted to a little Intermittent Fasting.  I find my body does do very well with that in small doses.  Other than feeling hungry at times, I don't find myself feeling weak or tired or plagued by headaches.  It's very doable.  Still, I refuse to fall down the rabbit hole of making it a lifestyle.  There isn't enough research to support that it's advantageous for women and it puts many of its adherents into an eating disorder mindset.

I am down to the lowest weight and lowest measurements I have had all year.  I still would like to lose 17 pounds and know that I won't lose all of that before the year and the program is up.  Getting to where I want to be is often a struggle.  I have learned that I have to learn to deal with hunger if I want to see results.  I don't want to deal with hunger!  I have learned that I have to be hyper-vigilant and only treat myself rarely.  I don't want to treat myself rarely.

I still see normal, thin, healthy-looking people eating all kinds of junk in my life every day.  I still find myself asking, "Why can't I have that too?  I want pizza for dinner.  I want a big sandwich for lunch.  I want a muffin for breakfast."  I am sometimes just so tired of the salads no matter how interesting I try to make them.  It makes me really afraid.  Right now I'm accountable to my coach, my teammates, and everyone reading this blog.  I'm paying good money to lose this weight and I don't want to waste it by not at least trying to follow the program.  I like to think that if I still have another 10 or so pounds to lose by the time the program is over, I will find a way to lose them by incorporating what I learned into my life going forward.  How will I stick with the program when the accountability is gone?  I'm terrified of gaining the weight back.  I don't ever want to be that heavy again! On the other hand, what motivation will I have to not just go my own way?

Despite the occasional despair, there are times I am quite proud of myself.  I was doing some simple foam rolling at the gym yesterday and I caught sight of myself in the mirror.  I took a look at my legs and soon I couldn't stop staring at them.  "Look at that muscle, hottie!  Woo hoo!"  Sometimes I will be absentmindedly running my hand over my arm or my leg and the next thing I know I can't stop feeling it.  I love how solid they feel.  I have been working hard on these muscles and it shows.

Before you think I'm too vain about my arms and legs, keep in mind you can pop my bubble by reminding me of my stomach.  I am still in despair over the spare tire.  Even as I sit here typing this I am conscious of the belly roll that is spilling over the top of my jeans.  I dreamed of wearing just a sports bra to my photo shoot and wearing a bikini in Costa Rica.  That's not going to happen.

Well, at least I'll wear a smaller sized tankini, right?  Baby steps.  Any progress is better than none at all. 

Things You Would Probably Believe About Me When I Don't "Like and Share" on Facebook

I hate my family:  my parents, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews and non-existent children.

I want everyone to die of cancer.

I hate America, veterans, and anyone currently serving in the military.

I don't believe in God, Jesus, or Allah (oh wait a minute...)

I am prejudiced against autistic kids.

I believe all animals should be treated cruelly.

I don't want you to have good luck because I'm not sharing the pictures of angels. 

I have no sympathy or support for the victims of (insert national tragedy here).

According to Facebook, I'm a pretty rotten person!