Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Most Horrible Time (Song Parody)

Just a little song parody I came up with.

Just to reiterate, I don't actually hate fall.  I hate the hype.  I'm a naturally contrarian sort of person and when people start becoming obsessed with anything, I become equally tired of it.  When I am constantly barraged with "I love fall" posts on social media, it all seems to be about something rather contrived and esoteric, rather than what people are likely to experience.  No matter what the season, we all still have to get up and go to work every day.  Chances are in any given season, most of us aren't going to experience much of what we think the season is all about.

I do have a few certain beefs with this time of year.  The first one being that I do prefer summer and particularly I love long days, outdoor swimming (preferably in natural bodies of water), and being able to wear shorts, cute sundresses and cute sandals (and the pedicures that go with them).  I don't like that transition to jeans and sweaters and tights.  The next beef I have is with the impending darkness.  Yes, winter is just as dark, but at least in winter I can watch it grow lighter again.  The last one is that the hype has caused all of these contrived occasions where people have to get out on the road and be "in the country" to pick apples, and go to cheezey fairs and haunted houses, and see the leaves.  Since I spend every weekend riding my horses in an area where a lot of that crap goes on, I am buried under traffic every weekend.

Then there is that pumpkin deluge.  It's not just pumpkin either.  I don't like the taste and texture of most squash.  Unfortunately I can't go into a decent restaurant this time of year without being bombarded with butternut squash entrees and pumpkin desserts.  I am even seeing butternut squash desserts.  I don't mind pumpkin pie spices like cinnamon, but you can use those in any dessert without having to stick squash in it.  Zucchini is tolerable when it comes to squashes, but FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD, DON'T PUT THEM IN MY MUFFINS, CAKES, AND QUICK BREADS.  Really, zucchini adds nothing taste and texture wise to desserts.

So here is my bah-humbug for the season known as autumn.

The Most Horrible Time of the Year
(Sung to the tune of The Most Wonderful Time of the Year)

It's the most horrible time or the year
Well it's dark and it's cold
And the leaves turn to mould
Now I'm almost in tears
It's the most horrible time of the year

The most o-ver-rated season of all
With the crisp crunchy air
And contrived harvest fairs
I am simply appalled
At the most o-ver-rated season called fall

Oh the people I've seen, obsessed with Halloween
Dress their dogs and their babies so dandy
Now they can't pay the rent, for the money they spent
On costumes, decor, and junk candy

It's the most horrible time of the year
All that gross pumpkin stuff
No, it's never enough
Yes, it's even in beer (YUCK)
It's the most horrible time of the year

Oh the folks out leaf peeping
Now traffic is creeping
Because everyone needs to be out
Picking apples they won't eat
I think I must retreat
Before I give up and just shout

It's the most horrible time of the year
I miss long days and shorts
And my fave water sports
When will summer be here?
It's the most horrible time of the year!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Facts About Life as a Chronic Insomniac

1.  You can only flip the pillow so many times before there is no longer a cool side.

2.  You live in fear of the day your boss catches you dozing off in a meeting - or worse, falling asleep at the wheel.

3.  You miss the 80s.  Specifically you miss the 80s because Channel 7 used to show great old movies at 3AM in those days.

4.  Stimulants are pretty ineffective at combating insomniac fatigue - unless you drink enough of them to keep you awake the next night.

5.  You don't need to turn on the light to see your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  You can make your way around the house in the dark because you have done it so many times.

6.  Drinking an alcoholic beverage is fraught with indecision.  Do you dare risk the 3AM bounceback?

7.  Your Ambien is your most prized possession.

8.  Only you know why the peanut butter jar, the cookie car, and/or the chip bag always run out so quickly.

9.  You want to kill someone every time you hear the same tired advice: "Go to bed the same time every night."  "Don't eat too soon before bedtime."  "Don't exercise too soon before bedtime."  "Drink milk."    "Block out all light." "Make sure the temperature of the room is just right."ACK!  Do you think I haven't heard them all before?

10.  Speaking of the temperature of the room, it's never the right temperature (this is doubly true if you're a woman over 40).

11.  You are happy when your alarm wakes you up from a good dream because it meant you were truly sleeping when the alarm went off.

12.  You have been known to take Benadryl even when you don't have a cold or allergy attack.

13.  The sound of your snoring spouse drives you crazy - not from the noise, but because of the resentment you feel that only one of you is sleeping.

14.  You feel a sense of despair when you hear about how lack of sleep hinders weight loss, cognitive function, immune function, sex drive, muscle coordination...

15.  When you get through a day successfully on 4 hours of sleep or less, you feel incredibly powerful - invincible even.

16.  You never lose that sense of optimism that maybe tomorrow night you'll sleep better.