Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Facts About Life as a Chronic Insomniac

1.  You can only flip the pillow so many times before there is no longer a cool side.

2.  You live in fear of the day your boss catches you dozing off in a meeting - or worse, falling asleep at the wheel.

3.  You miss the 80s.  Specifically you miss the 80s because Channel 7 used to show great old movies at 3AM in those days.

4.  Stimulants are pretty ineffective at combating insomniac fatigue - unless you drink enough of them to keep you awake the next night.

5.  You don't need to turn on the light to see your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  You can make your way around the house in the dark because you have done it so many times.

6.  Drinking an alcoholic beverage is fraught with indecision.  Do you dare risk the 3AM bounceback?

7.  Your Ambien is your most prized possession.

8.  Only you know why the peanut butter jar, the cookie car, and/or the chip bag always run out so quickly.

9.  You want to kill someone every time you hear the same tired advice: "Go to bed the same time every night."  "Don't eat too soon before bedtime."  "Don't exercise too soon before bedtime."  "Drink milk."    "Block out all light." "Make sure the temperature of the room is just right."ACK!  Do you think I haven't heard them all before?

10.  Speaking of the temperature of the room, it's never the right temperature (this is doubly true if you're a woman over 40).

11.  You are happy when your alarm wakes you up from a good dream because it meant you were truly sleeping when the alarm went off.

12.  You have been known to take Benadryl even when you don't have a cold or allergy attack.

13.  The sound of your snoring spouse drives you crazy - not from the noise, but because of the resentment you feel that only one of you is sleeping.

14.  You feel a sense of despair when you hear about how lack of sleep hinders weight loss, cognitive function, immune function, sex drive, muscle coordination...

15.  When you get through a day successfully on 4 hours of sleep or less, you feel incredibly powerful - invincible even.

16.  You never lose that sense of optimism that maybe tomorrow night you'll sleep better.

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