Going To Hell for Looking Pretty (or Wanting to)?

In the movie The Devil's Advocate, hotshot lawyer Keanu Reeves is so obsessed with the kudos and attention her receives for being undefeated in the courtroom, he destroys his own life, the lives of everyone close to him, and lives of many people involved in his trials. Even at the end of the film, when he goes to extreme lengths to redeem himself, he can't resist the lure of more self-glorification. The movie ends with Al Pacino, Satan in disguise, smiling evilly and declaring, "Vanity...definitely my favorite sin."

According to the Catholic church, vanity is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. This makes some sense. The kind of self-glorification in the example of us can be destructive both to the sinner as well as to people in his circle. This selfish desire that excludes of the needs of others ranks right up there with envy, greed, and gluttony as something that has the potential to destroy society from the inside out.

My exploration of vanity today isn't about that kind of attention seeking. I want to talk about what most people think of whey they hear the word "vanity". What does "vanity" mean to you? When you say someone is "vain" are you thinking of someone seeking validation for accomplishments, or do you think of someone - most likely a woman - trying too hard to beautify herself? 

I bring this up today because recently I was served up a Facebook post encouraging women to ditch parties, the rat race, and  shallow pursuits that don't bring true happiness and enjoy  domestic pursuits they really love such cooking and gardening. I jokingly responded, "Sure I'll do that as long as I can look hot while doing it." Most commenters on the thread gave me a like or a laugh, but I had one woman respond, "Vanity is a sin."

I am not going to lie. I have a whole list of vain pursuits I regularly indulge in. I have a difficult and uncooperative head of hair and I go to great lengths to try to make it look the way I want it to. I go for monthly eyebrow waxes. In the summer my toes are rarely ever without a pedicure. I have a multi-step skincare routine. I hate missing my daily exercise. I work hard curating my wardrobe and put effort into planning my outfits each day (unless it's a barn day) because I love clothes. 

Does this make me a bad or shallow person? I give to charity. I support my friends and family. I am civic minded so I vote and stay on top of politics. I read books for pleasure. I enjoy cooking homemade meals for family and friends and baking treats for coworkers. I have hobbies. I am not averse to getting sweaty in the weight room at the gym or getting muddy, dirty, and smelly at the barn. I cuddle animals. I enjoy arts and culture. Is any of that negated by the fact that when I walk out of the house I want to be wearing an outfit that flatters my figure, have my hair looking styled, have my face looking fresh, and have my accessories and shoes well-coordinated? 

We live in a society that is focused on looks and outward appearances. A woman who looks sloppy or strange or overweight or frumpy is automatically judged. However, the opposite is true. If a woman makes a point of showing how much she cares about her appearance, she is judged every bit as harshly. She is "vain" and vain is synonymous with shallow, unintelligent, and snobbish. The word "vain" itself can also mean empty and pointless after all.

I think back to my college days. As a nerd myself I had a group of nerdy friends. Some of them made a point of eschewing vanity. They did have some personal vanities of course. They cared somewhat about their appearance, but they let it be known they looked down on women who made more effort than they did. (Not for nothing but my willingness to spend more money on skincare products gave me way better skin than they had.)There would be snide remarks about money I spent. (I had one friend who loved to comment on others' bad etiquette, but had no issues rudely asking how much things cost). They made my love of clothes shopping seem frivolous (only shopping for books and music was respectable). They were very smart - good STEM students - which I was not. I sometimes felt as if I cared about my looks because I wasn't as smart as them. There was a sense among them that if I cared too much about my clothes and makeup, I was allied with the types of girls who made fun of us in high school. 

I'm not saying these things to trash my friends. At the time we were a close-knit, loving sisterhood. My point is that even among intelligent, enlightened, supportive women the idea that there is something wrong with female vanity is pervasive. It's always bad. We are never supposed to enjoy self-beautification. Either we are seen as self-absorbed and shallow, or else we are selling out to society's standards and aren't being feminist enough. 

I started to think about why that is? Why are women as demonized about caring about their appearance as they are about not caring about it?

When I was a teen I came across a copy of Helen Gurley Brown's book Having it All. I am not a fan of her work and I had a love-hate relationship with Cosmopolitan magazine as a young woman (I claimed it was awful, but read it every month anyway) so I didn't think the book would provide any worthwhile advice, but I read a few chapters out of curiosity. One chapter that stood out for me was one about beauty. Brown did not consider herself pretty, but she pursued her beauty rituals religiously. She did this because it made her feel good. It made her feel prettier. She made a point of saying that non-pretty (I think that was her exact term) women could transform themselves through going through the motions of self-beautification- precisely because of how it made them feel. She even said it was irrelevant if it makes you look better. It's about the emotional transformation.

As many of my readers know, I like to follow fashion influencers of a certain age on YouTube. One of my current favorites is Nada Manely. She often says in her videos that women who take her style courses gain enormous confidence. The confidence they feel from improving their style spills over into many other areas of their lives and they feel able to accomplish more than they realized. Now I know she has to say things like this to sell her courses, but I don't doubt her. 

Last year I was becoming unhappy with my skincare routine and I decided to try out a skincare line by one of my theater acquaintances, an aesthetician who creates her own skincare products. She has a quote on her website, “When you look better you feel better about yourself and your face is the first thing people look at. Beautiful skin builds confidence and allows one to go forward in accomplishments and relationships to achieve goals. It changes your life." Once again, this is a sales pitch, but it resonates.

The lesson I draw from these examples is that women who take control of how they look, feel better about themselves.

We call this "vanity" and say it's a sin because our culture doesn't want women to feel better about themselves. Think about it. The sin originates from the Catholic Church, which has never been an institution promoting female empowerment. I think it's true of many other religions as well. The patriarchy ingrained in our culture at large doesn't want women to have confidence about who she is. If we feel too good about ourselves with something as ordinary as our looks, that's a slippery slope toward feeling as if we can do more. 

In fact, our culture does everything it can to make sure we aren't confident about our looks. We are shoved into a box that defines what beauty is. We have to live up to a slim, youthful, white, heteronormative, upper-class aesthetic. We need to look like an Instagram influencer or a Fox News host or a Republican politician's wife. The sculpted facial bones and creepily smooth skin all look as if they came off an assembly line. Hair is always long and smooth. However, this is supposed to be effortless. Women will deny they do anything special to look they way they do. They will claim they have had not injections or surgery and that they don't diet and exercise excessively. Women are not allowed to be too ugly, but if they show they care care about their appearance, they are committing the sin of vanity. 

If a woman wants to improve her looks, she has to couch it in other language. Fundamentalist Christians and "tradwife" types put an enormous effort into their appearance, but they do it in the name of "femininity". They aren't vain. They are merely reinforcing their womanhood as the patriarchy demands. It's the same thing with diet culture. If a woman works out or eats well, she must say she is doing it for her health. She doesn't want to be skinny. She wants to be healthy. If her new body makes her feel good about herself, then she has to be body shamed for being too extreme with her diet. (Maybe she is mentally ill and has an eating disorder.)

The most unforgiveable sin for a woman is to put an effort into her appearance that doesn't conform to the western beauty standard. Is she makes an effort to not look like the typical white, heteronormative, upper-class beauty ideal, she is often demonized for looking "cheap" or "tacky" or "trashy" or "freaky" or "slutty". It's not only about making the socially acceptable amount of effort to look good. It's about making the right type of effort. If a  non-conforming aesthetic makes a woman happy, society will try to prevent her from feeling  good about herself. 

I don't want to make it seem as if I don't know or care that men are subjected to some of these standards. Men do have to conform to the same white, upper-class, heteronormative, Eurocentric, standards as well. If a man makes too much effort with his appearance, his masculinity may be called into question. He may be called vain if he makes too much effort. He may be called arrogant or shallow. But it seems to me men are allowed their vanities as long as it conforms to their peer group. A Hollywood actor is going to have to work out, eat well, dye his hair, and have cosmetic procedures done because his youth and good looks are imperative to maintaining his career as he ages. Other men and our culture at large won't judge him too harshly for this, especially if he plays hyper-masculine characters onscreen. However, I don't think a blue collar worker or a ranch hand or a police officer would be congratulated for maintaining his looks the way an actor would. A businessman will have to maintain a different aesthetic from that of a biker or a soldier. In other words, men are also demonized for having the wrong sort of vanity according to standards of masculinity which can vary from subculture to subculture. Even a Hollywood actor has to work to maintain an aesthetic that looks like a man. Men also face more pressure to conform to the standards of their gender. A woman can wear pants, but men can't wear skirts.

The true harm vanity can do is when it is taken to extremes to the point of self harm. The pressure women feel to fit into our society's thin, white, young aesthetic can take a toll on a woman's physical and mental health if she becomes too obsessed with fitting into it. She can spend more money than she can afford. She can endanger herself with questionable procedures. She can die from eating disorders. I remember years ago reading an article in a women's magazine by Kathy Griffin. She had a botched liposuction procedure that nearly killed her. At the time she swore she would be more accepting of herself and not endanger her life again. Yet a few years down the road she would go on to have multiple cosmetic procedures and brag about them. This type of vanity isn't normal, and it isn't empowering, and it isn't healthful. But you know what it isn't? It isn't immoral. If vanity take a women down a destructive path, she should be treated with compassion and not shame. Unfortunately, when a woman is harmed by her own pursuit of beauty, the attitude is often, "It serves you right."

So for all the women out there who want to improve their looks, who want a better wardrobe, better skin, a fitter body, a better haircut, or a little personal indulgence, I have this to say:

It is not a reflection of your intelligence. 

You are not shallow. You are a a kind and empathetic human being.

You are strong both physically and emotionally. In fact, your vanity is making you more powerful.

If you pursue an aesthetic for your own pleasure and self-esteem, and are looking the way you want to look, then you are not selling out to the patriarchy.

If you pursue an aesthetic that falls outside the cultural norms for your own pleasure, keep doing what you are doing. You don't owe society a certain look because looking different makes some people uncomfortable. You are still a kind, intelligent person.

Maybe you enjoy being a girly-girl some of the time. That doesn't mean you are required to always be girly. You can enjoy pursuits where you have to dress down and get dirty and sweaty and completely unladylike. Every day is a new day and you can change with your own needs and desires. 

You can worship your god and still pursue your own vanity. There is no reason for vanity to interfere with your faith. You can pray sincerely with your hair styled and a full face of makeup.

Now go out there and do what makes you feel good!