I closed out October 3 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. I think I'm looking okay. I am not as close to where I wanted to be by now, but I look so much better than I did 10 months ago.
I was hoping to have lost at least 20 pounds for my photo shoot in three weeks. I'm thinking I'll probably by down about 17 pounds by then. I lose pounds, inches, and bodyfat slowly. That's something I have to accept. It means I will have to work diligently on my own after this program is over to get to goal. I accept that now. I was hoping to be showing off my abs in a sports bra for this photo shoot. I think I'll wear a nice arm-muscle-bearing tank top.
It's funny. I had a dream last night that Kevin was taking my progress pictures, as we do every month, and I was totally happy with the picture. I looked as good as I thought I could look. I was satisfied. That picture was in my head when I woke up. I remembered that dream and thought, "I really can do this." Of course I'm not much of a visual thinker (as Dad has pointed out to me my entire life) so the picture left my head pretty quickly. I know in the dream I didn't look like a fitness model. I simply looked like a smaller, tighter, version of me.
My habits these days are so much more esoteric than they used to be. In some ways Lean Eating is becoming more difficult because no one is giving me rules about what to eat or how to eat anymore. No one is telling me "eat only unprocessed foods or you won't get your check mark for the day." Instead we're being told to "choose your own adventure" or "be your own coach" and "pick your own habits". It's much harder this way. At this stage of the game I am supposed to know what to do and what to eat. Either I'm going to eat correctly or I'm not. Then again, that is perpetually true isn't it? I know how I should eat, so why not just eat that way? Did I need to pay a coach to tell me what to do? Obviously I did and now my coach is trying to show me how to live beyond the program. Sadly I'm not paying all that much attention to my past habits, which is probably why my weight and measurement loss is so disappointing lately. I haven't been gaining though. I'm down 15 pounds. Once my weight goes does down, it seems to stay down within a pound or two.
Even though I'm losing really slowly, I like that I have become more permissive with myself these days. I do allow myself foods I might have considered forbidden earlier in the year because my relationship with them has changed. I prioritize protein and vegetables, but if I want sweets or starches, I feel much more able to control myself around them. I can have a few bites, take notice of physical satiety, and decide if I want to keep going. Most of the time I am able to stop at a reasonable level. The world is full of unhealthful foods. I am not likely to spend my entire life ignoring them, but I can handle how I eat them and how I react to them.