I don't like to make New Year's resolutions. Resolve is a very inflexible word, and it can make you feel like a failure if you don't make that resolution happen in a given time period. I prefer to use the word goal. In 2015 I have goals I would like to strive for. I will forgive myself if I don't achieve them all, but if I do make a resolution of any kind, it will only be to make the effort.
1. Get my body back.
I made a huge accomplishment in 2013 when I went on the Lean Eating program and became very focused on how I ate. I truly changed how I look as well. I let myself go in the second half of 2014 as I was dealing with my hip injury and eventual surgery, as well as the new problems with my elbow. I am joining a new eating program this year that is similar to Lean Eating, but without the extended commitment and the marketing gimmicks. I am also going to make sure I am always exercising - even if it has to be within the limitations of my injuries. If my elbow doesn't heal in the next few weeks, I will seek medical attention for it as well.
I want to look as hot as a funny-looking 45-year-old with a troll-shaped body can look on my cruise this summer! The Ninja Goddess will return and rock that ship!
2. Pursue a new job
My current job is dull and unchallenging. I took this job because it was the only available job similar to the one I left. In the beginning I was happy just to have found a new job so quickly. I had also hoped at the time it would be a move forward in my career. It has barely been a lateral move. I don't really feel I truly fit in here with my coworkers. They act like a bunch of hard-partying frat house drunks and have all of the petty cliquishness of your average middle school. I'm not accomplishing anything here and I just don't fit in. I need to make an effort to look for something somewhere else.
3. Let Go and Move On
I think just about anyone who knows me well would describe me as "stubborn". However, stubborn isn't always a negative character trait. One positive aspect of my stubbornness is that I'm tirelessly loyal. I hold tightly to my friends and will always stand by them.
There does come a time when a friendship can wear out its usefulness. I may not feel that way, but my friends sometimes do. I will still cling tightly to my friends, despite their disinterested signals, always in denial that perhaps my friendship may not mean as much to them as it does to me. When I finally accept that a friend is trying to cut me loose, my reaction is anger, bitterness, and long-held grudges.
Can I accept that friendships, like romantic partnerships, no matter how happy they once were, can drift apart as life takes people in different directions? Can I accept that some friends may decide the positive qualities that attracted them to me in the first place have become overshadowed by what they perceive as my negative qualities? Can I accept that sometimes friends grow apart as lives change? Can I accept that even if I still truly enjoy the company of certain friends that they may not find my company so interesting anymore?
I think the time has come for me to start being more accepting. I need to stop forcing close friendships on people who are more than happy to keep me at arms' length as Facebook acquaintances (and should I choose to minimize my time on Facebook, they don't mind not hearing from me at all). If I ever cared about someone, I should allow him or her to go on with their lives and not feel tied to an obligation to me because I keep clinging. I need to let friends go and let them decide how and when they want me in their lives instead of forcing my way there.
If you are reading this and thinking, "Are you talking about me?" my answer is, "I'm only talking about you if you want me to be talking about you." If you still want me in your life, I am always here for you. I will not turn my back on anyone. However, if I have become more of an obligation than a friend, if you cringe every time you see my name in your email or on your phone, then I am giving you permission to walk away with no explanation owed to me. I will hold no grudges.
4. Find New People and Activities
This ties into my last goal. I am letting go of the people in my life who don't want to be there. I am also stuck in a season of inactivity and sloth. It is time for me to pursue new groups and new hobbies. I can't ride or dance. What can I do with myself that doesn't involve food (see Goal #2)? I need to seek out some like-minded people to talk to and spend time with. I have been exploring Meetup.com and have found some groups that I feel might be a good fit for me. In January I am attending a meeting of the Westchester Conservationists and in February I am attending a meeting of the Westchester Secular Humanists. Maybe once I'm fully healed I will start exploring some of the outdoors-related meetups.