Saturday, September 7, 2013

Week 34 - Always Feeling Conflicted

Yes I know there was no Week 33 post.  I was spending the lovely long weekend at a Bed & Breakfast, eating all kinds of bad food, doing crazy amounts of riding, checking out the Renaissance Faire, and spending time with good friends that I don't nearly spend enough time with. My blogs were not really a priority.

I ate too much all weekend, but I recovered nicely.  I admit I resorted to a little Intermittent Fasting.  I find my body does do very well with that in small doses.  Other than feeling hungry at times, I don't find myself feeling weak or tired or plagued by headaches.  It's very doable.  Still, I refuse to fall down the rabbit hole of making it a lifestyle.  There isn't enough research to support that it's advantageous for women and it puts many of its adherents into an eating disorder mindset.

I am down to the lowest weight and lowest measurements I have had all year.  I still would like to lose 17 pounds and know that I won't lose all of that before the year and the program is up.  Getting to where I want to be is often a struggle.  I have learned that I have to learn to deal with hunger if I want to see results.  I don't want to deal with hunger!  I have learned that I have to be hyper-vigilant and only treat myself rarely.  I don't want to treat myself rarely.

I still see normal, thin, healthy-looking people eating all kinds of junk in my life every day.  I still find myself asking, "Why can't I have that too?  I want pizza for dinner.  I want a big sandwich for lunch.  I want a muffin for breakfast."  I am sometimes just so tired of the salads no matter how interesting I try to make them.  It makes me really afraid.  Right now I'm accountable to my coach, my teammates, and everyone reading this blog.  I'm paying good money to lose this weight and I don't want to waste it by not at least trying to follow the program.  I like to think that if I still have another 10 or so pounds to lose by the time the program is over, I will find a way to lose them by incorporating what I learned into my life going forward.  How will I stick with the program when the accountability is gone?  I'm terrified of gaining the weight back.  I don't ever want to be that heavy again! On the other hand, what motivation will I have to not just go my own way?

Despite the occasional despair, there are times I am quite proud of myself.  I was doing some simple foam rolling at the gym yesterday and I caught sight of myself in the mirror.  I took a look at my legs and soon I couldn't stop staring at them.  "Look at that muscle, hottie!  Woo hoo!"  Sometimes I will be absentmindedly running my hand over my arm or my leg and the next thing I know I can't stop feeling it.  I love how solid they feel.  I have been working hard on these muscles and it shows.

Before you think I'm too vain about my arms and legs, keep in mind you can pop my bubble by reminding me of my stomach.  I am still in despair over the spare tire.  Even as I sit here typing this I am conscious of the belly roll that is spilling over the top of my jeans.  I dreamed of wearing just a sports bra to my photo shoot and wearing a bikini in Costa Rica.  That's not going to happen.

Well, at least I'll wear a smaller sized tankini, right?  Baby steps.  Any progress is better than none at all. 

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