Standing at a Fitness Crossroads

If you are a regular reader of this blog, then you know last year I came to the conclusion that I was tired of trying to pigeonhole my eating habits and restricting my food.  Why was I even doing that?  Was I chasing some kind of body ideal that wasn't attainable without making myself miserable?  My diet and lifestyle are healthy, even if they aren't perfect, and even if I'm not as lean and tight as I would like to be.  

I decided to keep on doing what it takes to look and feel my personal best without forcing myself to stick to some kind of rigid rules.   I eat my fruits and vegetables.  I cook most of my own meals from fresh ingredients (primarily sourced locally from farmers).  I exercise daily within the limits of my various joint and spine issues.  I take good care of my skin.  I dress intentionally. 

If you are a regular reader of this blog, then you also know I was cast as a stripper in the Harrison Players' recent production of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.  That changed everything.  I would be wearing the skimpiest costume I have ever worn on stage.  The script doesn't indicate that my character is a particularly hot or lean stripper.  The script indicates she was a professional in the past, but at the time the show takes place, she seems to strip more for attention than for money.  There is no reason not to to believe she might have let herself go and doesn't have a typical stripper's body anymore.  I could be a chubby woman desperately trying to hold on to her belief she is still sexy when her husband seems to have lost interest in her.  I knew I didn't have to be skinny to play the role, but I also wanted to feel as comfortable as possible in that costume.  

There was no shame in trying to lose weight for the role.  Actors do that all the time.  Movie actors will make extreme losses or gains to fit a part.  I could make an effort to lose some weight for Priscilla.  It would only be three months of effort.  If I felt too deprived, I could go back to eating what I wanted as soon as the show was over.

I began my transformation right after New Year's Day.  I made my plan.  I didn't adopt any extreme eating measures.  All I did was cut out the heavy starches and desserts and reduced my alcohol intake.  With the exception of my nephew's wedding in January, my mother-in-law's birthday in February, and a few minor "cheats" I cut out breads, all sweets, pizza, chips, most deep-fried foods, and pasta.  I also ramped up my workouts.  I have been using Daily Burn for the past year and a half since my gym closed.  In recent months, due to various back, knee, elbow, and shoulder issues, I have been modifying many of their regular workouts, or doing the easier workouts in the archives.  I discovered a new program they were offering called Strength + Power, which was more similar to the power lifting I had been doing all my life before I started having back and joint issues. It was fourteen weeks long, so it would last a bit beyond when the show ended, so I would have a consistent, tough program in place.  I told myself I would back off if I felt too much pain, but I would do my best to complete the program within the limits of my mobility.

About halfway through February I had only lost about four pounds, but I looked in the mirror one day and noticed my stomach looked a bit tighter.  

"That looks good," I said to myself.  "I could get used to this."

The pounds began to come off more steadily.  Since I had no occasions in March, I had no excuses to overindulge.  I started noticing other signs of slimming down.  I used a tape measure and saw I was smaller in my thighs (where I tend to lose it first), hips, and even my waist (where I lose it last).  

By the end of March I noticed my clothes were fitting differently.  My favorite pair of black dress pants have always walked the line of being a bit too snug.  One day I noticed they were loose.  My "fat day" jeans were so large they were almost unwearable.  During my workouts my leggings were threatening to fall down. 

When I went on stage in that tiny teddy, I was down eleven pounds and four total inches.  I wasn't a fitness model, but I think all that hard work and deprivation paid off.

Here I am on the 9th of January after finishing the first workout in the Strength + Power program.

Here I am in costume in nearly four months later.

Now what?

I like my new body.  I didn't want to feel this way.  I wanted to return to my old eating habits and accept whatever weight I landed on.  Now I stand in front of a mirror and see how my efforts paid off.  I am reluctant to let it all go. 

On the other hand, my ability to resist sweets and pizza may have improved over these months, but I know I can't resist them indefinitely.  I don't think I want to resist them indefinitely.  Eating has always been a sensual pleasure for me and I don't want to let go of it.  I miss pizza and pasta and ice cream and cookies.  I have become an expert in saying no to them, but that doesn't mean I don't still want them.

I put on another pair of pants that fit me perfectly when I bought them and were looking a bit sloppy, even when I wore a belt.  I said to Kevin I wasn't sure if I should invest in having them taken in because it would be a wasted expense if I gained the weight back.  He simply said, "So don't gain the weight back."  I was in dance class the previous night when the conversation turned to my weight loss.  I said I had to cut out junk food to make those improvements and I was truly conflicted about doing what needed to be done to maintain my slimmer body.  When my classmate said, "So don't eat junk food," I had to reply, "But I love junk food."  

You can tell me, "Enjoy treats in moderation," but moderation is hard for me.  Once I start, it's hard for me to stop. I can't have only one slice of pizza or only one cookie.  If I make excuses to eat one unplanned food, I tend to keep making excuses to eat more of them the next day (and possibly a few days afterward).  A few indulgences in a period of a few days can set me back for weeks. I gain weight easily and lose it slowly.  My body likes its fat.  It always has.  If I don't start at all, I am less likely to keep going.

What would be the end game of all of this?  My original intent was to be a bit slimmer and fitter in my stripper costume.  Where do I want to go from here?  Do I want to maintain what I achieved, or do I want to lose more?  I am proud of what I did in the past four months and should be happy to keep things where they are.  However, part of me thinks, "I lost ten pounds in three months.  How much can I lose in six?  Can I do more than this?" 

Do I even understand why I would want to do this?  Is it to be more sexually attractive?  My husband has loved me at my fattest and his opinion on how sexy I am is the only one besides my own that matters.  Is it to wear nice clothes or have my clothes fit better?  I am deeply invested in my wardrobe and proper tailoring these days.  I don't need to be a certain size to rock a nice outfit.  Am I doing it to impress people outside of my circle?  Why do I want to impress people who don't care about me?  The people who do care about me only care that I'm healthy, and they know I'm healthy.  Do I have something I want to prove to myself, and what is it I want to prove?

I'm not ready to give up this body yet, but I'm also tired of restricting my favorite foods (and Kevin isn't too happy that I don't cook pasta anymore and haven't baked anything since Christmas).

The biggest weight loss of my adult life came when I completed the Precision Nutrition coaching program in 2013.  I lost eighteen pounds, fifteen inches, and nine percent bodyfat.  Unfortunately that program led me to a major injury and eventually surgery.  Then that set off a chain of events for even more injuries (I couldn't work out my lower body due to my hip injury, so I concentrated on my upper body so much I ended up damaging my elbow).  It would be hard for me to tell you a joint in my body where I don't have pain now.  I have osteopenia in my spine and hip and my back hurts me no matter what. My knees can be ouchy.  My shoulders are sensitive.  I have had three cases of epicondylitis in my elbows in the past eight years.

Years ago I learned the painful lesson that there is no "after".  The maintenance of one's body is an ongoing process and one's best efforts can be thwarted in a few moments.  I can decide to keep going, and still have another major illness or injury (as an equestrian, I risk a major injury every time I mount up) that causes me to reconsider everything I am doing yet again.  

What reasons would I have to maintain my weight, or even continue to lose it?

The first one is my health.  At my last physical I saw a new doctor who was obligated by her profession to tell me my BMI was high.  She saw that I was otherwise in perfect health, but she was focused on the preventative aspect.  During our visit she made a few gentle suggestions about my weight.  She isn't wrong.  A lower BMI would lower a few health risks at my age.  There is some diabetes in my family and I should be be concerned about it.

I want to stay active for many reasons.  I like to go out and do things.  I don't enjoy sitting home all day.  I have active hobbies like horseback riding and dance.  I enjoy being out in nature.  Doing a play doesn't only require looking good in a costume.  It requires mobility and stamina.  Even more low key activities I enjoy require mobility.  If I'm too heavy, I stress my joints and have even more injuries.  If I stay strong, I protect my joints.  I want to stay mobile as long as I can.

Speaking of horseback riding, my current equine partner is a medium-sized pony.  She's a strong and sturdy little thing, but I think she is happier and performs better when I'm lighter.  She doesn't care if I am happy with my body or not.  She feels extra weight on her back.  If I don't manage my weight, I could injure her as well.

If I maintain this weight, or lose even more, if another catastrophic illness or injury happens and I gain twenty pounds, I won't be much worse off than where I started.  

I also have to remember if I want to maintain, or even lose, I have no deadline.  I was strict with myself this year because I wanted to lose it for the performance.  I have no events in the future that I need to be slimmer for.  I have a swimsuit vacation in July, but I have never let my weight stop me from putting on a bathing suit and enjoying the beach.  I can slow things way down and figure out the balance between enjoying a few more unplanned treats and keeping my body at a healthier BMI.

One of the first diet habits in the Precision Nutrition program is to eat slowly.  The second habit is to observe fullness cues.  These are two habits I struggle with.  I do tend to shovel food in too quickly.  When I slow down,  I feel stuffed with far less food.  Maybe trying to avoid gaining this weight back is as simple as that.

I also can watch my triggers.  I learned many years ago keeping foods I struggle with out of reach is a huge help in avoiding them.  I remember living on my own for the first time and buying a container of chocolate hazelnut truffle ice cream.  I ate the whole thing over the course of a day because I knew I had in in my freezer and couldn't resist it.  I stopped keeping good ice cream in the house.  If I want ice cream, I buy single servings.  My office has free pizza every Friday.  The office always buys more pizza than my coworkers and I can finish during lunch.  There is pizza sitting in the office kitchen all afternoon.  It's easy to keep going back for one more slice over the course of an afternoon.  If I say no to the first slice, I can say no to subsequent slices, but the first slice always does me in.  I don't have to give up pizza, but I shouldn't eat it when I have easy access to it.  I buy a couple of slices for myself and eat them.  It's all gone and I can't have more.  Office pizza can stay forbidden.

That sounds easy doesn't it?  We will see how it all goes.  Easter is coming and I have an indulgent family brunch planned. Maybe I'll decide to be fat and happy after all.  I wonder what kind of health and fitness posts I will be making a year from now.

There is a common saying among dieters, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." I don't believe that's true for people who love food as much as I do.  On the other hand, it's easy to fall into believing it once in a while.