In Defense of the Singular Pronoun

I suspect some readers will start reading this and feel offended.  Before you take offense, please read this post through to the end.

I am a cisgendered woman.  I am a cisgendered woman.  There is only one of me.  If you don't address me as Rachel, you can more generically refer to me as she.  You can point me out as her.  There is no reason to call me they or them, and yet people do.

I see memes like this online and it makes me stabby even though the video itself is uplifting and fun. A single cisgendered woman is not a "they".

How has it become acceptable for a single person to be referred to as they or them?  These are plural pronouns.

My best guess is it started because of confusion over indefinite pronouns.  I remember the day my English teacher talked about this in Eleventh Grade English class with such clarity.  We see words such as "someone" or "somebody" as a group.  We also don’t see a gender in these pronouns.  That’s why most of us will see these words as plural.  We might say, “Somebody forgot their grammar rules,” because somebody implies one of many.  We know instinctively that “body” and “one” are singular words.  We wouldn’t say, “Someone I know have bad grammar.” We automatically say, “Someone I know has bad grammar, but it’s not me.”  Nonetheless, we still want plural pronouns to refer to this indefinite singular pronoun.

In the twenty-first century, plural pronouns have spilled out into the vernacular like a hydra.  A singular, sexless entity?  It's a "they".  Don't know the sex of someone?  It's a "they".  He is a "they". She is a "they".   That's crazy.  Let me tell you something.  I am not a "they".  I am a she.  There is only one of me.  There will only ever be one of me (most people think one of me is too many, but that's neither here nor there).  I am an I and not a we. 

The first argument I know I am going to hear from you, Dear Reader, is that using "they" is a way to combat sexist language.  A feminist like me should understand that.  I don't think I need to use incorrect plural pronouns to avoid sexist language.  If you read my blogs, you will note I alternate pronouns.  If I am referring to an unknown or generic person, I will alternate between he and she. I had a professor in college who hated almost everything I wrote, but the one aspect of my writing she ever complimented me on was how I avoided sexist language by alternating pronouns.

Let's not forget that a singular, generic pronoun exists.  English is a unique language in that it has a non-gendered pronoun.  It's called "it".  If something has no sex, it's an "it". I understand it comes across as a bit offensive if we referred to a human as "it" if that pronoun refers to something non-human, but if we can re-purpose "they" to mean a single person, why not re-purpose "it" to mean a person whose gender we don't know?

Maybe you will argue the point that language evolves.  This is true, but language seems to be devolving at a fast and furious pace in the connected world where good writing and copy editing are unable to keep up with the desire to quickly publish online.  I refuse to let English collapse into chaos.  If we stop trying to maintain a decent universal standard, we are all going to start speaking and writing differently and we will never understand each other.  

At this point I know some of you are angry and I know why.  You are furious because you believe this post, with its insistence on correct pronouns, is a transphobic screed.  

I have transgender friends (or, as I prefer to call them, girlfriends) who are female and use female pronouns.  I would never address them as "he" or "him" even though I know they are transgender.  Since they are single women, I address them individually with the single pronouns of she and her.  

Now to address those of you who are seething with anger at this post.

I am not heartless. I know there are gender fluid/non-binary people out there who want to be called "they" because they don't identify with one particular gender, so they want to be addressed in a sexless and generic way.  As I said above, "it" sounds inhuman. As much as I would love to re-purpose the singular "it" to refer to someone non-binary instead of using the plural "they", as a cisgenered woman, I don't get to make the rules.  It's not my rule to make. 

I would never address a trans woman as he or a trans man as she.  If a non-binary person requests I say "they" I will respect that.  Does the grammar make me grit my teeth a bit?  Sure it does.  However, in this case, it makes some grammatical sense.  If you identify both ways, then I suppose a plural pronoun can reflect the duality.  See?  I'm not such a rigid grammarian that I can't see any adaptability in language.

It's tough being a grammar nerd while still trying to be an ally to the LGBTQIA community.  Know I will always personally address individuals how they want to be addressed, but my writing will always use grammatical pronouns unless I am specifically writing about someone who requested different pronouns.  That's how I roll.