2021: What Can I Hope For? What Can I Expect?

The human population of Planet Earth seems to be in agreement that 2020 has been a horrible year.  The year began with Australian wildfires and the catastrophes never stopped coming.  We had murder hornets in the US and locust swarms in Africa.  We lost Kobe Bryant, Alex Trebek, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  Wildfires didn't stop with Australia; California also had its share.  The stock market and US oil prices crashed.  We had a close call with Iran after the US took out an Iranian general and their retaliation included a missile strike taking out US military bases.  A Ukrainian plane was shot down.  England suffers from the effects of a botched "Brexit".  More innocent people of color were killed by police in the US, causing nationwide protests. The property damage is being blamed on both sides.  The demagogue who seems to do little more than sit in the Oval Office and angrily Tweet turned tear gas and rubber bullets on peaceful protestors for no other reason than to clear the streets so he could have some kind of quasi-religious photo op and demonstrate his own power.  Nashville celebrated Christmas by dealing a bomb set off downtown.  Let's not forget that nothing was done to stop a deadly pandemic from entering the country and now the lives of all Americans have been radically changed.

If social media are a true barometer of how our society thinks, then there seems to be a consensus among us (at least in the United States) that this convergence of tragic events in what seems like a short period of time, is the result of time period and nothing more.  We chalk up any new catastrophe to it being 2020.  This is a bad year.  So many unthinkable incidents happened in 2020, we are convinced it must be some kind of misalignment of the stars - some cosmic blooper - turning the world upside down.  Whatever happens in 2020 happened because it is 2020 and once we go beyond 2020, we are in the clear.  The world has to revert to a mean. 

Does the universe owe humanity a reprieve in 2021? 

Certain things in the world are predictable, like the change of seasons I discussed in my previous post.  Humans take comfort in that predictability.  We know the sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow morning.  We know a month from now the sun will set in the northeast a half an hour later in the than it sets today.  We know leaves will start appearing on the trees in April and will fall off the trees in October.  We know it's cold in the winter and hot in the summer.  These are the events we anchor our lives on.  

There is little else in the world that is predictable and that is the scariest part of life.  To combat the unpredictability, we try to make order out of chaos.  

Unfortunately, the universe is far more chaotic than we want to believe it is.  Humans seek patterns to make sense of random events.  We see signs in events that are coincidental.  We believe there has to be a reason for the tragedies that occur in our lives.  We put our faith in a just world and the idea that karma or some other force will even things out eventually. 

Right now it feels like many of us view the multiple tragedies of 2020 the same way a gambler views a losing streak.  The tides will turn.  Bad luck will turn good.  Unfortunate events will end and fortunate ones will come in equal abundance.  We all suffered enough, but that suffering must end because the forces in charge don't want us to keep suffering.

I think it's time to be realistic and start understanding the world will not magically be better in 2021.

There are signs of improvement.  Trump wasn't re-elected.  There is a COVID-19 vaccine in place.  We have much to be grateful for and look forward to.  I would also bet that everyone reading this did not have a completely tragic year.  I am sure many of you had some good times this year.  Maybe the lockdown meant you read more books and you found some gems.  Maybe you were able to do some traveling in the US as I did.  Maybe you enjoyed spending more time with your family.  Maybe you did some home improvement projects you were never able to get to before.  Maybe you took up a new hobby or cooked more of you own meals.  Maybe you got into shape because you began exercising out of boredom.  I am sure you can find some good in 2020.

I began 2019 full of optimism and goals.  I had a specific plan for how I was going to reach those goals.  I was going to get back to my pre-injury weight, using the same program I used to lose weight before I was injured.  I was going to save money for a new car and a 2020 dream vacation to celebrate my 50th birthday.  I was going to try new fitness classes.  I ended up injured again (and now have chronic pain).  The fitness program was ineffective.  I had unexpected expenses that kept me from putting money away.  Kevin lost his job at the end of the summer.

I began 2020 less optimistic, but still filled with positive realism.  I knew there would always be roadblocks to long-term aspirations, but I could take it one day at a time.  I still hoped to stay as fit as I could, eat well, save money, and continue to pursue -and try to excel at -my hobbies of horseback riding and theater.  I also believed since I couldn't have my dream trip, I could celebrate my landmark birthday another way.  I hoped for a year-long birthday celebration where I would have local adventures with friends far and near. 

The real 2019 had nothing on the real 2020 for not living up to my fantasies.

The year 2020 taught me what I can endure.  It taught me to deal with all kinds of disappointment.  In April last year I wrote this post about how hard it was to deal with my changed world.  At the time I wrote it, I believed the end of this madness was on the horizon.  I thought the restrictions were only going to last for two months and the idea of two more months of restrictions was torture.  I survived.  I kept going.  

Life did improve. That post mourned the lack of access to a farmers' market, lack of ability to do my hobbies, lack of plants on my balcony, and the fear I wouldn't be able to go to Chincoteague.  The markets reopened.  The plant nurseries reopened and I had a garden again. I went to Chincoteague.  NJ reopened for horseback riding and I was able to ride again.  Westchester opened for limited indoor recreation and I was able to return to dance class at the end of the summer.  It wasn't all bad.

I continued to miss the life I couldn't have.  I wanted that big birthday.  I wanted to spend more time with friends.  I longed to perform again.  Somehow I adjusted.  I got through it.  There have been times when I have gone a little stir crazy.  I sometimes would get up and take a walk in the middle of a workday because I couldn't deal with the four walls of my apartment closing in on me.  I looked at virtual tours of interesting places and longed to be there in person.  I hated missing all of my family holidays.  Kevin and I still live under the shadow of his continued unemployment, which has nothing to do with the pandemic and the situation has no guarantee of changing just because 2020 is over (Kevin lost his job in 2019 after all).

Despite feeling down often, I'm still here and still moving forward.  I get up and go to work every day.  I cook and clean (and bake and bake some more) and take walks.  I have Zoom meetings with friends.  I do what I can to make life bearable.  Most of the time it's more than bearable.  I have adjusted to the new normal.  I have adjusted to the uncertainty.  I have no idea when life will go back to normal and I'm okay with that.  

I am also grateful that my year was easier than those of many Americans.  I am still employed.  I don't have to worry about rent or mortgage payments.  My family remains in good health.  I remain in good health despite the cancer scare I had earlier this year.  I am lucky and should count my blessings every day.

I don't expect 2021 to be anything less than more of the same.  For now I keep my expectations low and take it all one day at a time.  The world won't magically return to normal.  We have to ask ourselves what "normal" is anyway.  I suspect a post-pandemic world won't look as much like a pre-pandemic world as we want to think it will.  I don't know if 2021 will be a better year overall.  I can only do what it takes to make a better day today.